The Christmas Song (politically corrected)

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire 

(Walnuts, don’t you think?  When was the last time you saw a chestnut tree?)

Jack Frost nipping at your nose 

("Looking" at your nose, maybe.  Nipping at noses is abusive)

Yuletide Carols being sung by a choir 

(Perhaps “Big Time Carols,” with no intent to offend large women named Carol.  Yuletide is the time for pagan Germanic rituals, and though the Constitution forbids laws against such things, I really don’t think most want to support this kind of behavior.)

And folks dressed up like Eskimos 

(Gotta change this to "Inuits."  The First Nations peoples are very touchy about colonially assigned names)

Everybody knows a turkey and some Mistletoe 

(Mistletoe? Really? Unrequested sexual advances?  I think not.) 

help to make the season bright 

(Probably “make the season tolerable.” We don’t want to offend the dim bulbs with the word “bright.”)

Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow 

(This is an indication of poor parenting.  TV time really needs to be regulated so eyestrain is avoided)

Will find it hard to sleep tonight 

(Caffeinated beverages should not be served to minors)

They know that Santa’s on his way 

(Leave this as is…including a multicultural/Latino reference is good for inclusiveness)

He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh 

(Does he have a drinking problem?  Red nose, etc.  Should we be saying, “He’s loaded…”?)

And every mother’s child 

(Have to say “parent’s child”, lest we discriminate against fathers)

is gonna spy 

(try, not spy…don’t want the KGB involved)

to see if Reindeer really know how to fly 

(The physics are all wrong here. We can’t encourage such nonsense, or we’ll end up with kids who don’t believe that the climate can change. )

And so, I'm offering this simple phrase 

to kids from One to ninety-two 

(Unfortunately, it appears that arrested development may well provide society with children of all ages, so this is quite accurate)

Although it's been said many times, many ways

“Merry Christmas to you”

(For all who receive this greeting, regardless of your own beliefs, consider the spirit in which it is offered, and the good will it conveys.  Surmount any differences, receive with an open heart, and return the same positive message in whatever fashion or form you prefer.  Now THAT is correct!)

Merry Christmas to you!