Contrary to all the public statements I've made up to this moment, it has become apparent that is it time for my family to file for bankruptcy. Not the garden variety personal kind. No, that's not for us. We've decided to take advantage of the benefits of Chapter 11, Reorganization Under the Bankruptcy Code. That's right...Corporate Bankruptcy.
As the CEO of my family, I've kept us on a path of certain financial ruin for many years. We only bring in so much, and it has been obvious to everyone but me that I've overspent my means and more. Against our best efforts, factors beyond our control have continued to negatively impact the family's liquidity position. Oh well, it is what it is, right? Pretty much unavoidable. Market conditions have changed, and we were just unable to change our way of life quickly enough, though we tried valiantly.
I know this is a blow to all the family members and everyone who knows us, but with your support and the help of the United States Bankruptcy Court, Western District of New York, we'll get through this and soon be in the pink again. And maybe even in the black.
We are constructing a plan that will ensure the future health of the family, and expect to emerge from bankruptcy very quickly. We are taking a significant step toward enabling our enterprise to complete its transformation to become a better family. But this difficult time will be painful for many.
I'm afraid we'll have to make some changes. In particular, all of you to whom I owe money are out of luck. Sorry, I really wanted to pay you, but there just wasn't enough to go around.
Those of you to whom I've loaned stuff, please give it back right away. I need it. Regardless of the fact that I might also owe you money, I need my stuff back. It's part of the whole bankruptcy thing. Complicated. And don't worry. YOU'll be paid. Eventually.Those of you who have loaned me money in the past and also have legal documents that say, "I'll give you my stuff if I can't pay you back," let's talk. That stuff isn't really worth what you think it is, so you'd be better off letting me keep it and paying you back some other way. Perhaps I can give you a few of these blogs and we'll call it even. Good idea, eh?
And for those of you who contributed to my projects with the hope that I might do well for both me and you, well...tomorrow's another day, and don't let the sun catch you crying.
Another painful aspect of this process is reflected in the fact that we have had no choice but to terminate the services of our children. Kids, please don't take personally the fact that you have been impacted. I know you'll understand that the legacy costs of maintaining your wellbeing and any potential inheritance just became untenable. As a reflection of how much I care for you, an outplacement service has been retained. I'm sure you'll find that there is life after this family.
For standing by me, and to encourage her to continue to do so, I am announcing that my lovely wife will be receiving a retention bonus, paid out of funds that would otherwise have gone to our creditors.
My trusted advisors who never mentioned that I was on the road to ruin are to be rewarded for their loyalty. They'll be paid from sale of all the stuff I get back. A long series of wonderful dinners at fine restaurants will be scheduled.
Though it pains me deeply, from now on, all my travel will be on public transportation. The private car will be sold, and I will ride coach. I may just stay home, or perhaps bum rides from my handsomely rewarded loyal advisors.
And as a final reaction to our new reality, we will be switching from Charmin to generic single ply toilet paper. At least for our guests.
I know this is a shock to all of us, but with continued good efforts and the help of the Bankruptcy Court, I'm sure that we will emerge from this to become a stronger and more competitive family. That I stay at the helm even though I am the one who drove us into this iceberg is completely irrelevant. My experience and knowledge of the workings of this family will serve us well to insure a better future...particularly since I expect performance bonuses as I guide us out of these dark days.
I look forward to the day when this family is revitalized by our transformation and restructured to become a formidable unit... leaner, with a healthy capital structure, a strong balance sheet, and positioned for a successful future.
Thank you.
--- Randy
