The Same Old Song

As we entered the Senior Living Facility, a visiting musician was wrapping up his mellow piano playing.

"Why don’t they ever play anything lively?" asked Mary.  All the residents were either already sleeping in their wheelchairs, or nodding off.  “These people need some stimulation.”

She received no disagreement from me.  But the comment unleashed a spark. In a flash, a vision of a better future appeared!

The Hardly Rockin’ Nursing Home!  Oh, wait. I mean the Hardly Rockin’ Senior LIVING Center.  Yes, let's play out the string with Warm Socks and Drugs and Rock and Roll!  It’s a natural progression, serving the same demographic that currently frequents the similarly named cafes in every major city.

There'll be performers in every public space.  But not sleepy-eyed harpists. Rockers! Get the residents up and moving, and if we can't get up, get us Rockin' and Rollin' in our wheelchairs.  "Get with the program, Mister," says the aide, "Snap your fingers!" Which is also excellent physical therapy. "Now Twist and Shout!" Yes, flexibility augmentation is unquestionably good, and repetitive shouting is aerobic.

Speakers in the hall belt out “Truckin” to help you do the wheelchair shuffle.  And what better band than the Grateful Dead to make you grateful you’re not quite dead.  

You’ll be glad you’re alive when you make it to the dinning hall. We'll be eating all the foods we know and love. Don't worry about any negative effects, because...well, you know.  It'll be great to chow down on those pureed nachos with cheese, de-boned minced wings (extra mild), and all those other mystery purees. And don't forget the ever-present mashed potatoes with your favorite gravy of choice.  Yum!

There will be multiple Elvis impersonators!  If this ain't the Heartbreak Hotel, no place is.  Strains of Love Me Tender fill your room when family comes to visit.  Jailhouse Rock will be a go-to favorite, because everyone in the facility is always saying how they just want to go home.

If it’s getting to the point where you’re no fun anymore, spend a night in the Judy Blue Eyes Suite .  Relax to the strains of Crosby, Stills, Nash and no longer Young. Adjust that attitude!

Park your chair in the Asbury room.  Vision issues? No problem. You’ll be Dancin' in the Dark.  Rejoice in the fact you were Born in the USA, and kibbitz with friends about your Glory Days.  Yes, those were the days, my friend. We thought they’d never end.

Let what's left of your hair down and listen to Beatles covers while you and others wait for bloodwork results in the Liver Pool.  Can you hear the strains of “When I'm 64?” Nawww...much too young. Gotta update that one.  Maybe 84.

Colored lights that hypnotize will sparkle in our aging eyes.  Laser light shows and spotlights will shock us out of our stupor.  Floor to ceiling video screens will be better than real when the grandchildren Facetime us.

The fact that you are Still Crazy After All These Years is not a problem.  It’s just another facility-wide theme! Similarly, all of us with Alzheimer's or other types of dementia will be required to attend daily "Who Are You?" sessions where you'll work on the lyrics if facial identification is no longer within your reach.

We’ll turn up the heat so we don’t get cold,

Cause it’s too late to die ‘fore we get old.

Got a problem?  Take a pill! Or for depression, let's use the original Coca-Cola formula.  "Coke Adds Life!" And just so we don't add to the downer mood, we’ll avoid playing songs like "Dust in the Wind," or "Is That All There Is?," or Harry Nilsson’s anthemic “I’d Rather Be Dead, Than Wet My Bed.”  Or maybe not.

For pain, there’ll be Medical Marijuana - but no more smoking.  Smoking is bad for you, and this is a smoke free facility.

"Mr. Fredlund, you seem to be uncomfortable today.  Here, have a Gummy Bear."

I hear strains of James Brown singing "I Feel Good."

And if all this gets the blood flowing again, and we elderly are invigorated, Viagra can be used for more than just preventing the old men from rolling out of bed!

"I still don't want to end up there," said Mary.

“Yeah, me either.”

And now for one final tune from the Spiral Staircase. Sing along! (If you don't remember the tune, click on the link for a refresher.)

More Today than Yesterday

I don't remember what day it is.

I never notice what time it is

All I know is that help is overdue

And if you ask me what is new,

I'll say "Who the hell are you?"

Every day's a new day, when you have dementia.

With each day I must say, "My brain is in absentia."

Every time I lick my lips my mind starts to wander

And if all my dreams come true,

You will change my diaper soon

Oh, I stumble more today than yesterday

But not as much as tomorrow

I bumble more today than yesterday

But, dammit, not as much as tomorrow

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